Bariatric Girl

No matter how hard I work on processing pain, I have a difficult time with this part of learning to heal.  I forced myself to look for pictures that represent something painful to me…. pictures that I pass over quickly every time I come across them. I found two that certainly qualify.

When we avoid pain we are absolutely handing over the keys to the trigger monster who will take us on a new adventure seeking food…. or whatever our coping mechanism is.  This kind of pain never goes away on its own and WILL ALWAYS show up somewhere else because it does not magically float away.

My heart tells me if I feel this I will die! My head tells me this is not true…that I won’t die…. but I still don’t want to feel it so why can’t I think about something else?  In the past I ate.  As soon as the “food high” wore off I ate again.  The problem is that pain doesn’t go away until you deal with it and worse….it can manifest in other ways like physical pain.

Skinny Minnie died several months ago and I lost Boo Radley in November. This post isn’t about my wanting sympathy since I tend to be extremely private about this kind of thing.  It’s embarrassing because some people don’t understand my animals are my children.  I haven’t really dealt with the pain properly so I’m forcing myself to face it and feel these feelings.

This quote by Gary Zukav perfectly illustrates my point.

“The compulsive activities in your life are those activities that are your way of avoiding the experience of painful emotions. That is why you must experience the painful emotions because if you don’t experience your pain you remain locked in your compulsive behaviors which are creating difficult and painful consequences in your life.  Otherwise you won’t fulfill your greatest potential and that’s important because that’s where your deep meaning and sense of purpose resides.”

Sooooo….that means that if we don’t process our emotional pain we are doomed to continue our compulsive behaviors (like reaching for food).  Is it easier to eat and avoid the pain?  You bet it is!  That’s why we do it.

I would like to invite you to try something different next time you want to eat away the pain.  Sit in it….cry and scream if you have to.  Stare at a photograph every day until the pain starts to subside.  Talk about your pain to someone who cares.  It won’t happen overnight but know you are moving closer to healing by facing your pain and working through it.

And better yet?  Try to live your life in such a way that you avoid unnecessary pain….you know the kind….the kind where you get twisted off over something that’s said online or by a co-worker.  Deep down you know it’s NOT about you and all about them.  There is a reason for the saying “misery loves company”.  If you expose yourself to drama or try to control situations you cannot change, you are handing a formal invitation to Mr. Trigger.

In the meantime I’ve got some pain I need to sit in.  Boo Radley and Skinnie Minnie will be forever missed and eventually I will  be able to look at their pictures without experiencing as much grief.  Instead I will do my best to remember all the joy and love they gave me.  I should mostly remember how they were rescued and given a life free of hunger, pain, never being too hot or too cold, and Boo never even knew one day of being afraid.

Kalli Cat and new born Boo Radley

When I was obese I wanted to lose weight because of how I perceived I was being treated.  The pain was immense and I didn’t want to lose weight so much to be happy but to stop the painful existence I lived for thirty years.  Just like losing weight doesn’t make you magicially happy it also doesn’t change the perception that some people have of you.   There will always be someone standing in line to complain about you over something.  Always….

The girl in this picture was smiling for the camera but I was thinking I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be in the picture.  I am on crutches because I have two ruptured discs and my weight was killing me.  I just wanted the outside to match the inside.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Then everything will be alright.

Three years ago I attended an Obesity Help event and a woman came up to me and said she needed to apologize.  Because I had just met her I couldn’t imagine why but she told me that she “assumed” things about me because of my picture.  She continued to say that she could not have been more wrong.  When I told her how much it hurts to be misunderstood she said “Well I’d rather be misunderstood as a thin person than a fat person”.   For the next thirty minutes I tried to explain that pain is pain whether you are obese or thin. 

My whole life was spent trying to win the approval of my father and people around me.  I was running a race I couldn’t finish.  It was debilitating and impossible.  Nothing can be done about people that wish harm to me.  I can’t change them so I wish them no harm and I mostly want to get out of their way. 

My heart gets me in trouble.  I want everyone to get along.  Just call me Rodney.  I want to agree to disagree and leave it at that.  So much energy….wasted energy…. on too much negativity.  If I choose to concentrate on the tragic parts of my life they will get too big and I will crumble…. so every day I push those parts down and start over.  If today I am hit by a bus I don’t want to go out knowing I spent a moment without living for the beautiful parts of life.  My family, my friends, my furry children that loved me fat or thin… I am never on guard with them watching every action and word I speak because they love me just like I am.   I have a great deal of work to do on myself because I am still plagued with the stinkin’ thinkin’ monster that tells me every day that I am unworthy and unloved.  

When Sundance sits in my lap and looks up at me with those eyes…so innocent…he doesn’t have to worry about anything except eating, walking, pooping, peeing  and being loved.   He makes me feel worthy and loved.

Now…how can I be reincarnated as my own dog?

I was looking at some old pictures today and came across some of my old cat cartoons and thought I’d share one.

In this journey we take each day with our weight loss surgery, it is far far better to laugh a little.

I hope that’s what this will make you do….laugh a little.

Starring Boo Radley and Yoshi Boy.

If you like them, let me know because I have some more. Oh, one more with Boo.